Feel no Fear

Born 1967, married, two children. Computer specialist

First consultation: 28-9-2007

P: In 2004 I had a bicycle accident and broke my hip, the head of the femur. Some necrosis was seen but it went away. Now I have pain and had an MRI scan and the bone was like that (HG curved): again so me necrosis appeared and I might need a prostheses but I’d rather not.
H: Do you have iron pins in it?
P: No… it is supposed to be smooth cartilage but it is not. I took calcium and vitamins for bone density but lately my stomach gets upset by it. I should eat more diary products but I don’t feel like it. For the moment I’m a bit sick: my throat is aching and normally I get an infection immediately but now I already feel I recover, slowly but surely.
H: What happened when you had the bicycle accident?
P: I was driving in the lane and a car drove backwards. I tried to pull over but he was too fast, he hit my wheel and pushed me down. It hurt a lot, I lost my breath but I thought: ‘I’ll be OK in a little while’. People called the ambulance and I was in bed for one and a half month. In this basement room I developed a kind of pneumonia. Anyway: it mainly affected my back, when I cough, it hurts a lot and I did some therapy for that.
H: You said that your first thought was: ‘I’ll be OK.’
P: A long time ago I broke my leg skiing… you know, as a kid I did a lot of biking, motorcycling and at the age of 20 I went skiing. I was not afraid to fall and I didn’t expect breaking something but one time my legs got twisted when I fell and I broke a leg. I was used to be tossed about, used to fall but not to break myself. When I saw action movies, I felt like: ‘OK, I could do that too.’
H: ?
P: Like slam!!! (HG showing beating somebody)… and I’d go: ‘aaahhh!!!’ and… recover. We had a cousin, older that me and my sister and he was kind of rough and he used to come to us. We were used to him sometimes he was very rough. One time we went water skiing and he thought we could handle it… he was supposed to give us signals but he just went full blast (HG) and I didn’t want to let go… he just abandoned us. This time I went skiing was also with him. He said: ‘don’t take classes, that’s for children! Just do it!’ In the lift, one of my skis fell and I thought: ‘what will I do up there without ski?’ I jumped out of the lift, 4 meter down. When we were up, my cousin said: ‘we re not going to take the green way, it’s for kids, let’s start with the blue.’ We were like that. I feel I’m more sportive than in practice. I always take the train, I always have to run but now I sometimes run like an old person.
H: So… (recapitulate)
P: I was very much dare devil. I remember once I was with a friend who lives on the 12th floor and he took a rope to go down out of the window. He said: ‘I take the harness and you can go like this’… In fact: you have to throw yourself (HG) backwards out of the window… this daredevil kind of things. Nowadays I became more afraid to get hurt… I lost this a bit. I didn’t use to feel the pain. Normally when I fell with skiing, I didn’t care… whatever comes… now with age I feel the pain more. With my kids: we fight a lot… they attack me… we have these rules… it’s a training to be a bit rough… it’s a good training…
H: Training for what?
P: When I grew up… I was always the smallest one, also the youngest. You should be able to defend, not to starts fights. It’s like with martial arts: to have the power to defend yourself, not to hurt others. Once we were going to a bar and the guy at the door didn’t want to let me in. Then my friends came and we went in and afterwards this guy asked me a tip. I refused and he said he was never going to let me in again and he was holding me by my sweater. But I don’t react, I don’t do that. My friends thought he was starting a fight and they hit him but I haven’t got the adrenaline to fight, to feel I’m in danger… I then get even more calm.
H: So in that situation…?
P: This guy was… not that he was hurting me but he got in front of my face like this ( 5cm)… I was not intimidated… I don’t react in the right way.
H: ?
P: To hit before he hit me… in this way I could get hurt.
H: I see. The training you said: what is it for?
P: They should be able to defend themselves when somebody attacks them or tries to hurt them. It’s more a boy’s thing… boys do get rough… me too. You probability learn how to move better.
H: Move better?
P: The oldest one is not afraid of me. Probably he is wrong: I could hurt him when I hold him. I’d like him to stand up: “ a big guy can’t intimidate me”. You can get hurt, OK, but not to be afraid. If they can deal with me and I’m older, they can deal with other kids.
I was always the smallest (HG). I used to hang out with the tallest, all my friends were but I didn’t feel the size difference. In San Francisco my friend was two metre something, he literally could put his elbow on my head but I didn’t use to feel the difference.
Probably I should be more active. I always wear snowboarding clothes. Until recently I was mountaineering. I don’t like to become wet. The idea is: ‘hey in the morning we go skiing and in the afternoon we go to work’. I should be more active.
H: Why?
P: For my back. I do some mountain climbing. The pain goes in waves (HG).
H: The pain?
P: Some periods it is OK…maybe when I’m more relaxed… or when I don’t carry a heavy bag… but I always carry a heavy bag, with the computer… I carry probably more than I should.
H:  or your job?
P: Well, interestingly … you know, I have a lot of stamina…I was in Italy at the Lago Maggiore with my friend and we had to walk all the way up and then all the way down and my friend didn’t have the stamina, so I carried my son on my back. I can carry heavy loads for a long time. Carrying heavy loads in daily routine affects my back, yes.
H: In what way?
P: It hurts, especially at night. But I prefer to carry my bag instead of using this wheel bags. If I‘d follow my logic it would be better to put my stuff in the bags on my bicycle.
H: But you don’t…?
P: I’m always doing things for a long time before I change, I keep doing it for a while even when it bothers me every day. I tend to endure things… live with it.
H: So you go on for a long time and then eventually you change?
P: Yes, for instance with my job. I should have changed many years ago… sometimes the external circumstances decide. I get involved too personally, I can’t say: ‘it is just a job…’ even when I know: this is not going anywhere. A few years ago a friend started a business in Italy… then two pneumonia’s later, that is where I am…
H: Two pneumonia’s?
P: The first one wasn’t sure and the second one was one year later. When I get a flu, immediately I get an infection and normally I live with it, I just live with it… normally it takes three weeks. When I worked in Italy I first stayed home for a few days and then I went off. There it got worse… I was there with my birthday, almost dying (HG hanging backwards, like sliding from the chair) and it got worse and worse and eventually it was pneumonia. I took one and a half month to go. It was like a big red light (HG): I can’t go on like this.
H: With the fracture you said you stayed in bed for one and a half month?
P: The doctor told me to stay in bed… it was very convenient. My wife took care of me, I had my computer in my bed. But the basement is humid and I got a cold. A friend of mine also broke his femur but he couldn’t stay in bed and started walking. I probably should have done that too.
H: And then you got the pneumonia?
P: Yes: a lot of cough and phlegm… it wasn’t sure it was pneumonia… I got homeopathic remedies and don’t get infections so easily now. When I take vitamins it gets better. But it is genetic: my father has the same things.
H: Which things?
P;: Throat infections. I need a scarf, if I don’t keep my neck warm, I get an infection. It is my weak spot. I feel the cold and get an infection. With vitamins: I get sick but I don’t get the infection. If I have it: in my throat it gets stuck… and a lot of mucus.
H: Do you have fever then?
P: Normally no… that’s why they couldn’t tell if it was pneumonia.
H: But you said you were half dead?
P: That time I was really weak. I’ll never get used to this humid Belgian weather. The altitudes feel better for me and also in San Francisco, where I lived, the weather was dry.
H: What about altitudes?
P: I feel more alive there, more aware… even when on very high mountains, like in Ecuador. I went to the mountains with my friends… even to 5000 meters high. They were very tired and I’m more aware, much more energetic. I miss that kind of feeling… the humidity is going into my head, I’m slower then. With coffee I have a 20% boost and that is why I don’t drink it, it’s too much. I like to stay up late, and I to tell myself: ‘go to bed now’ because I can stay up for ever. In the morning I’ll be very tired but in the evening I’m wide awake and can go on forever; I’m a night person, in the evening I’m bright awake. If I go to sleep early, like 10 PM, I will wake up at 3 AM, that is why I go to bed late. And I have to push myself and coffee even makes it worse.
H: What kind of feeling are you talking about?
P: Energetic… light, you think clearly, sharp (HG)… here the clouds are in my head while on the high altitude I feel like jumping around. It’s very much a weather thing.
H: Do you have this feeling only in the mountains?
P: The weather helps, it is like the sun: it makes me think better, in the sun it is like I become smarter. I think I’d be very much better in the desert, that dry mountain weather…. It’s that air…
H: What about that air?
P: It makes me more aware, more alive. I make an analogy with computers, how much speed you can put in. I always feel at 70% capacity, when I’m sick 50% but when I’m well I could be 99% (HG) Now I’m less aware, I forget things, skip things (HG)… in the whole washing process, I forget to brush my teeth…
H: So with his hip…
P: You know, I always have the idea I’m an active person (HG), I play football, play with the children…but now I try to avoid… I have pain sometimes… I wouldn’t mind so much… I sometimes limp… but when it gets worse and worse and I need a prosthesis, I can’t be so active… or in potential. The operation is a big deal and then … if the prosthesis were somewhere else it wouldn’t be so bad.
H: What is a big deal?
P: I hate being in the hospital… such a big chunk of time you lose. I don’t like the atmosphere; you are physically just waiting and feeling your pain, this uncomfortable feeling, not being able to sleep.
H: Wouldn’t this be the same at home?
P: I went home quickly… my wife took good care of me. In the hospital I can’t do anything, I have a hard time in hotels too and the hospital is like the worst hotel… it’s foreign, normally I sleep in a little cocoon (H)
H: ?
P: From door to door it is 6 hours to go to my job in Italy but I had to sleep in bits and pieces… I use ear plugs and blindfolds but in my cocoon I sleep like dead. This is funny because when I was young I used to sleep with the doors and curtains open and in Ecuador it is very light. When I studied in the USA I always left my door open at night. It’s only now that I kind of stop all my senses to go to sleep.
H: Do you have any dreams?
P: I had recurrent dreams when I was young: one was of a devil and the other: being exposed to light (HG) like a stroboscope.
H: Can you give some details?
P: The devil was only a dark face… a big dark face… just appearing (HG jumping towards his face)… in the least expected places. … or following me. I had dreams like a very simple cartoon… the desert would be one line and then suddenly it flips and becomes very complex with a lot of details… and then it would flip again… back and forth between this extreme simplicity and complexity. That kind of dream I had in all kind of circumstances.
H: Which circumstances?
P: Like I’d be in a car: very simple… and suddenly, it’s very graphically … it becomes very complex. I feel it, all over my bones (Hg)… the light version is very light, very bright like the sun…
H: You said you feel it…?
P: Like in my throat (HG)… I could draw it, I’ve seen such drawings: everything becomes rougher, people start bulging… I try to get back to the simple way… its calmer, cleaner, easy to understand. The other one is difficult to understand, too rough… too many details, too many.(H) I feel it in my throat, literally it gets stuck (HG) like something is there… very quick, like when you are afraid (HG startled) so you hold back… all these details (HG). In the simple clear way I can see them both, in the detailed way it is hard to see which is the clear idea.
H: This feeling of holding back…?
P: Like holding you from crying… but it is instant and it comes with the image. I’m in it, I’m part of it, it’s complicated, the people are hairier…It’s like if you want to cry and you hold back. It’s not steady, it goes away (HG snaps fingers) I try to keep the simple version;
H: Why?
P: I feel more light… simple... understandable… it makes sense. The other version is more blurred. But it is that oscillation: that going back and forth (HG fast)
H: You said stroboscopic light?
P: Like strobing in my eyes… it’s pulsating (HG fast!) and then it goes away.
H: What is the feeling that goes with it?
P: It is a bit similar to this former one… my whole body is doing this… kind of weird… me myself am kind of pulsating (HG).. I wake up, I try to control
H: ?
P: It starts slow and becomes very fast… it goes to my throat, it is not contracting (HG) but it is more expanding (HG shows pulsating) from within. This weird feeling I want to stop.
H: Why?
P: I feel if I allow this to go on I’d lose myself and I’ll won’t be aware anymore.
H: What do you mean by this?
P: You are not in control, not aware… something else controls your body.
H?
P: When they give you a shot, you wake up after two minutes or two hours, you sleep so deep you are not even conscious…but I always stopped, I never went that far.
H: What is the problem when you sleep and you don’t know whether it was two minutes or two hours?
P: That is OK but if you wouldn’t just be asleep…if my mind wouldn’t control my body, if my mind would be gone. It’s like when you drank too much alcohol and don’t know what you are doing and later you don’t even recall.
H: And even?
P: I think I can’t control, at some point you can’t control… you are not part of it anymore; you are just a physical thing.
H: And then what happens?
P: I’m not sure. It has to do with light (HG flashing) it is inside, I feel it all around..; a lot of light and I wake up, I always do before it becomes too fast (HG)
H: What is the feeling?
P: I’m hyper, this pulsating isn’t OK, in my head it is very light. It just doesn’t feel right… it’s like bulging out (H) and also inside I have lights (HG) I don’t know what would happen.
H: What do you imagine could happen?
P: Disconnected maybe… no more stimulation… the stimulation comes from within… disconnected… it’s more and more light in my head with the strokes. The pulsation ignores the things from outside and takes over.
H: What is the feeling in the dream with the devil?
P: It is somebody who knows me… he comes, looks but doesn’t speak. But he knows me, how I react, my history. He just surprises me, he appears. Before I used to wake up and was afraid but not anymore. Usually I’m not afraid, of ghosts or anything.
H: Isn’t there anything you are afraid of?
P: I’m not sure… I think I don’t react on fear, I don’t react when I’m supposed to feel fear. It’s more a rational thing. My wife is afraid of ghosts and I make fun of her: ‘even when it is a ghost, it is not going to do anything’. If a person would come in, I’d probably start first but afterwards I’ll be OK. If there is anything then it would be something happening to my kids.
H: When are you supposed to feel fear?
P: When somebody would pull a gun, the reaction would be to run…but I wouldn’t… same when a dog comes running to me like mad. I’d start… with an accident I ‘m very calm… like zen… no adrenaline. Sometimes it is wrong… it is better to feel adrenaline and react.
H: So…(I repeat)
P: It’s better to react because I could get hit first.
H: Did you ever encounter a situation like this?
P: Once on the street somebody hit me… it was by accident. At this moment I realized this person hit me but I was thinking rationally: this person hit me on the face, should I react? It was not in any kind of rage (HG) or so.
H: Did you ever have this feeling of rage?
P: I act a bit like that for instance with my kids but it’s not a rage that I would loose it, I don’t do that. I’m very cerebral. Some people have instinctive reactions. Once we were in Denmark and they follow the rules and we were crossing the street and hit by a bus… I don’t have a reaction.
H: Don’t you have any other fears? For something more tangible than situations? You know people are afraid of like lightning or so?
P: Heights for instance? Extreme sports? I like them!!! Like walking in lightning: I like it, it is crazy! For me it is a nice thing… if a lightning falls next to me: it’s cool!.
H: What do you mean by extreme sports?
P: Motorcycling very fast… or in a parachute (HG)… I’m always attracted to those things.
H: What do you mean by really fast?
P: My motorcycle wasn’t but I’d like to have one like that and drive as fast as I could and probably get killed. When friends lent me theirs: that is what I do: drive 160-200 km an hour. But I became much less reckless. In San Francisco there is a lot of freedom, you can do whatever you want, very liberating… experience. In my case… I drove very fast… they took my license and I kept driving without… Without fear for the repercussions. But now with a family, I became much less reckless. Also in relationship with people, I used to play with people… I’d put myself in a situation where I was more vulnerable
H: ?
P: For instance I was talking to a woman who was very much into protecting whales and I’d tell her I’m a whale hunter and killer … even my friends would say: come on stop it now!
H: Why would you tell people such things?
P: I was reckless… you don’t care what people think, you feel more empowered… I don’t do it anymore… to that extent
H: What is your main worry in your CC?
P: First: the trauma from an operation and then it would mark me: you always have to be careful, don’t do sports…The potential, not being able to.
H: What would this mean to you?
P: I’d feel limited… freedom is taken from me (HG) I always protected my freedom, also at work… even when it is detrimental for me… the perception of freedom, I need to have.
H: What do you mean with freedom?
P: Being able to just act how you feel, without being told, without acting out of fear… able to do what you feel like… out of character, I’m like that but I became more careful.

 

Analysis:
The first rare and peculiar remark the patient makes in the first minutes of the intake is after his bicycle accident, his first thought was: I’ll be OK in a while and when he sees an action movie, he thinks: yes, I can do that! This makes us curious right from the beginning where this is going to lead us, because this has to be explained by his remedy.
Then he tells us how he is not afraid to fall, used to be tossed about, to be treated rough by his cousin, went skiing without taking lessons, jumped from 4meter high to get his fallen ski. He goes on giving us more examples of how he was a daredevil: waterskiing full blast, going down from the 12th floor with only a rope… Spontaneously tells us that he fights with his kids, to make them able to defend them selves, not to get hit. When they can stand up against a taller guy and not be intimidated, it’s like him: he is the smallest but doesn’t feel the difference with his two metre something friend and he is not intimidated when a tall guy threatens him.
So far it can still be different kingdoms: is the fighting, the defence, the intimidation, the small and tall, the daredevil behaviour an animal sensation? Is it a compensation for being small, unprotected, insecure? Is it a sensation of falling, hurting, hitting, breaking and hence does the patient need a plant remedy. At this point it can still be anything. But whatever remedy we give, it must explain the need to be active, to be a dare devil, to be calm in a fight.
Interestingly he adds to that: I have a lot of stamina, I can carry heavy loads, I carry more than I should: what makes a person do things like this? He says: I tend to endure things. His report of the pneumonia is without any worry or complaint, the only rare and peculiar here is that he said he stayed in bed for one and a half month while a friend started to walk around very soon after his operation and maybe he should have done this too.
Then he says his throat is his weak spot, he never gets used to Belgian humidity and he loves high altitude. Even at 5000 metre when his friends are worn out, he feels more clear, energetic, aware.
The recurrent dream is about oscillating between simplicity, clear, light, easy to understand and complexity, too much details, too rough. The other one is about the devil: a dark face appearing or following the patient, knowing who he is and what he thinks. The feeling that goes with the first dream is the going back and forth, is a kind of pulsation in all his body, a weird feeling of accelerating light, like a stroboscope and he has to stop it. When questioned further it’s because he’d feel he was losing control, becoming disconnected from within where all the stimulation comes from. The other dream gave him a fear in the past, but not now. Then he states again that he doesn’t react in a situation others would consider frightening, he doesn’t feel adrenaline, he doesn’t react. He likes extreme sports, drives as fast as he can, would think it is cool when a lightning would strike next to him. He drove without a licence without fear for the repercussions. In relationships he would incite people, a reckless attitude. Again and again we hear: reckless, daredevil, fearless. The main worry in the CC is to be obliged to be careful, which is the opposite.

The sensation that holds all throughout the case is: being fearless, active, daring, reckless, rough and tough, audacious, a lot of stamina, carrying heavy loads a long time, endure. This is the sensation of the Geraniales, in the coping state being bold, stimulated, courageous and better by movement. Now it becomes clear why he so often repeats: ‘I should be more active’.
The miasm shows itself in his attitude towards his complaints: he just waits for his pneumonia’s to pass; he says I tend to endure things, live with it, it takes a long time before I change. This points to the sycotic miasm. Hence he gets a dose of Tribulis MK